choices

choices. so many choices.

i took the ap calculus test today. i wasn’t prepared for it. i know i wasn’t prepared. i’m not gonna lie and say i was.

however, it was extremely difficult and many who studied still said it was a hard test. there were so many questions i didn’t have an answer for.. let alone actually know how to start solving the problem.

i didn’t want to take the test. i didn’t want to from the beginning. i did it because i’m doing academically well (i think i’m doing well in school, but that’s just my opinion anyways) and i did it for college.

you had an option to not submit your scores or to just simply walk away and not take the test.

i decided to take the test. it was so difficult and i barely knew anything on it.

however, i decided that the test is like life. i know that sounds cliché but that’s how it is.

you have so many tests in life. some are easy.. some are hard. you have the choice to not take it, just like how you don’t have to face difficult things in life.

you will fail at some and you will succeed. that’s also how it goes for life.

you have is many… choices…

“live life by the tougher decisions, not the easy ones. remember, if you’re going through hell, keep going”

vicodin

who are we.

i’m in so much pain.

emotionally and physically and mentally.

we all are. you’re not human without pain.

pain is good though. it makes us realize who we are.

allows us to enjoy the good things. not necessarily good.. but better things in life.

i like pain though. it allows me to feel awake and alive.

we keep going because of pain. the weak ones stop though. they are the ones that don’t like pain.

keep trying

death will come upon us, so pain is nothing.

sweet pain

love

this is so cliché
and everyone says this and movies portray this and books mention this and it’s all been said before.

i notice you. at school. you haven’t gotten your haircut since 2 weeks ago and i remember when you did, the curls and waves in your hair is just… i can’t even describe it. it’s simply beautiful. or when you straightened your hair that night, it was even prettier. i like your style too. that new outfit you got for the english presentation, it looked absolutely amazing on you. you got new shoes about a month ago. classic black vans. you wear ray ban glasses only when you sit in the back of the room.

i notice all the little small things.

you never bring your textbook in the mornings and you meet your friends by your locker. you write messy when you’re in a hurry and you prefer pen rather than pencil.

you never notice me though. i don’t even know if you know me. i think about you all the time.

it doesn’t bother me though. because that’s how life works. maybe one day you’ll feel the same way about me. maybe you won’t. most likely you won’t. that’s ok though.

because just being around and seeing you everyday (except for the weekends and holidays) really makes my day.

i guess all i can really say is that i think you’re great. and beautiful. every little detail about you is beautiful.

thank you for existing

17

i’m 17. i was born in the depressing winter in 1997. february 4. that’s my birth date.

i will be 20 in 3 years
50 soon
72 possibly
hopefully 80
90 maybe
death

i’ll leave this world with or without a mark. people will forget me one day. they’ll only remember when reminded that i too, once walked this depressing earth. i actually hate this earth. i know that sounds selfish because there are millions of people that would die to take my spot in the world right now. i always think of leaving.. even now. i want to leave and start over. i want to chase my goals (remember, i hate the word “dreams” because “dreams” only exist in the mind)

what if i saved up enough money and took the next cheapest bus to a small city? a small town even. one of those towns where everyone knows each other. what if i… disappeared? will people even bother to look for me? i doubt it.

now you will say, “yeah sure they will. they love you and they’re your family and you’re here on this earth for a reason”

aren’t you tired of people lying to you by saying those things. i, personally, hate it when people say “you’re here for a reason”

i don’t believe that. i don’t believe that EVERYONE is here for a reason. in my depressing days where i start to think depressing thoughts, i believe that i’m one of those people that are put on this earth with no reason being. i hate it. i feel lost. i feel excluded. i feel hated. i feel as i have disappointed many.

“ohhh. it’s your age. you’re at a point where the “teens” are finding out who they are”

“it’s a phase”

bullshit

i’ve been lost since i can remember. not knowing where i stand in this earth. many people my age are out partying, having fun, being rebels, not having responsibilities.

i don’t do that stuff. i want to leave. i want to leave everything behind and start fresh. i want to go fishing and just soak up the sun and think by myself. quiet. i want quiet and peace. you don’t get enough of that in the city.

i feel
completely…
lost
and empty

and my goals are starting to fade away
*but i will still try*

because i will

and you will

and we all can

not everyone though..

but some… and for us… we will make it in the world. you and me. we will succeed. don’t dream. do.

and if you’re like me and you feel lost, and you feel like you’ve hit rock bottom. like completely rock bottom. like you’re at your lowest point.. remember that you can’t go any lower and it’s only uphill from there. you will experience many more downs, but that’s only because it prepares you for the ups.

and if you still hate everything like i do.. angry.. pissed off at the world like me.. scared.. nervous..
remember, it’s ok.
i’m ok. even when i feel like i’m not.

it’s ok. not always, but for now, yes.

lost in time

it’s almost midnight here. 11:15 pm exactly at this moment.

i can’t really sleep and i have ap testing tomorrow. am i nervous about the test? yeah, yeah i am. i always get nervous. i’m the nervous type. why do i always tend to get nervous? i’m not too sure why exactly. common side effects of my nervousness? hands shaking… severe shaking. my hands are shaking as i write this post. irrational thoughts and wrong decision making. why do these things happen to me? i wonder that every day. is it because my mentality isn’t strong enough? am i not fit for this society? i’m not too sure. sometimes, good opportunities are ruined by me being nervous. i play golf for example. an avid golfer to be exact. my hands shake when i get nervous. i then start to make wrong decisions. why does this happen? that question always circles my mind. i feel as if i need to grow up, to be more mature. time doesn’t wait for you. why?

that’s the thought that never leaves my mind… why do i get so nervous? why do i have so much anxiety? i can’t really answer that question. i guess i’ll never find out.

i finished writing this post at 11:22

failures

are we tired of failing? we can safely say that we’ve all failed at something, regardless of big or small. little or a lot. why do we fail? it’s because we’re humans. no one can understand the feelings WE feel when we fail. they say “yes, i understand” or “i know what you’re going through” but do they really know? really? do they? they can come close to the realization and understanding of how we feel after failing. but the exact shitty feeling we get.. they can only imagine it. but you know what? i don’t need you to know how i feel after i don’t succeed. nor do i expect you to understand my situation. you will never know because you’ve never been through the same experience. maybe something similar, but never the EXACT.

but as i always say and believe in
“i have failed my way through success”

and when i do fail, i will get up. i will do everything i possibly can do achieve my “dreams”

are they really dreams though? dreams only exist in the mind. or should i says goals? because they are my goals…

and you know why they are my goals? it’s because goals are achievable. and i know i will achieve my goals. and so will you. we all will one day. and when we do, we will look up upon our failures and say “yes. i did fail my way through success”

and remember “not until we are truly lost do we begin to find ourselves”

we are in war with ourselves

why are we so angry with ourselves? what have others done to make us feel like this? we blame others for our mistakes. we breathe. we laugh. we eat. we sleep. we live. everyone lives until a certain point. is being angry all the time really worth it? we drown ourselves with regret and false hope and we cling on to the fact that we are still dreaming. does dreaming really put hope in our minds? or does physically trying to achieve our dreams matter? i’m sitting on the couch writing this post so i’m not doing what i can to achieve my goals. my goals are still so far away. all our goals are far away. are we doing what we can to make it closer or are we making it further?

“start doing and stop dreaming. dreams only exist in our minds, not on reality”

lost

who are we really as people. what if we disappear completely and never come back? will people remember us? what will they remember us by? when do we truly find ourselves in this world? if you’re tired if starting over, is it because you give up too much?